b8 and 7witch- Simian Similarities

note: i wrote this when i got home from school today. there are spelling and grammar errors, i know, but i plan on going back and cleaning this and part one up later.
stay tuned for part three- wolves at the gate.

Darkness. Black as the deepest crevice of any ocean. Open one eye, let the sun seap into my skull through the dusty curtains as water would fill my lungs. Close it, quickly. Light stabbing at my brain, vicious intent, a million jellyfish stings. I wonder how much i would need to pay someone to pee in my eye. My left eye absolutely refusing to open. With my blurry, swollen right eye i look around. I am in my bedroom, in my apartment in adam's building. My feet heavy as concrete clogs, i wearily throw them over the edge of my filthy mattress and go into the hallway, not bothering to look in the mirror, as i'm sure my visage looks like a chewed raw hamburger sandwiched within the throbbing confines of my face. I have no idea how i got here. Was i sleepwalking? Was it all a horrible sitcom dream? The beating? The half conscious drive home? That would be too easy. Life rarely missed an opportunity to shit in my cereal.
I knock on adam's door and walk in. he is sitting in front of his computer, fat spilling over the armrests, an inert whale of stink and useless knowledge. Three 24 inch monitors sit in front of him, linked, a wall of information and porno. Adam saw the matrix WAY too many times. He begins talking to me, it is impossible to sneak up on him.
"chuck, come here, you have to look at this, i think i just proved the theory of evolution to be valid."
I walk gingerly and stand behind him. He reeks of malt liquor and fast food. His bulk worries me, his penchant for a vast variety of pornography perplexes me, his smell makes vomit acquaint itself with my tonsels.
"listen, adam, how did i...?"
"chuck, please, in a minute, this is serious business. Now, check this out, it's going to fucking blow your fried, smashed in brain."
his fingers flutter, buttons click and on the outermost screens two videos pop up, crystal clear. Scarily so. On the middle screen some kind of weird asian balloon porn is paused, a stout japanese man lurking menacingly over a woman tied down with several of those balloons birthday clowns twist into phallic giraffes, smiling ear to ear, air pump in one hand, a container of peanut butter in the other, on the precipice of god knows what. Fat and sadistic, adam was my best friend. Again, life squats over my cheerios and lets its bowels do the work.
"now, as you can see, to your right is a video of a male chimpanzee taken from the national geographic website. Note his facial expressions, the way he moves his head, the look in his eyes. And," the second video fills the left screen, "to your left is a video of an older man with down syndrome taken from youtube. Now, if i time this out right," his head swivels left to right, right to left, tongue sticking slightly from between his nicotine stained candy corn teeth, "i should be able to prove my point. Right. Now."
and as i watch, the facial expressions of the chimp and the mentally challenged old man seem to mirror each other. The way they both scrunch their lips to their nose as if trying to smell their breath, the watery eyes, the slow, deliberate head movements, a seemingly uncanny relationship between the two begins to emerge.
Adam sits back in his chair and puts his hands behind his head, the now lit cigarette bouncing as he giggles.
"i should have been a biologist, or an anthropologist, or maybe both, it almost pains me that my brilliance is going to waste in this shithole of a city. So, what is up with you?"
He spins in his chair to face me.
"Or, who handed you your ass?"
i had so many questions, i barely knew where to start.
"okay, first, how did i get into bed? I mean, as far as i can remember, the last thing i recall is rounding the corner, and then, nothing?"
Adam smiled, knowingly.
"well, here i was, cracking open my 'hello monday!' forty and i hear the trash men out front. You know jimmy the trash guy, right? Well, jimmy owes me about 200 bucks so i step outside to chat with him and what do i see? You, my friend, slumped over the wheel, going, i don't know, i'd say about 30 or so, i didn't even know that bucket could go over 25, heading straight for the ass end of the trash truck. So i scream at jimmy and, oh, what's the other guy's name, you know, the guy with the hair lip AND the lisp, the guy who looks like he hangs out at the public pool parking lot in a van offering tykes licorice, fuck it, we'll call him sad eddie, i yell for jimmy and sad eddie to get the fuck out of the way, and boom! You plowed right into the back of the truck. It was so fucking awesome. You nearly killed sad eddie, that weirdo fuck. For an older dude he is fleet of foot, good luck for you, bad luck for the boy scouts who come to his door one dark, rainy night unaccompanied trying to hauck whatever shit boy scouts hauck, i guess. Anyway, they were none too happy about being nearly deaded by you so i wiped his debt away and threw in a bag of jamaican redhair for good measure. I offered sad eddie a pair of your boxers but he declined. They were being greedy, really, i mean their truck was barely scratched. Your little shitbucket, on the other hand, well, i already had it towed to the junk lot. I wrestled you out of the wreckage, and i mean wreckage, drug you up to your apartment, bandaged you up, and as i stood over you watching you whimper in your sleep, this whole 'proving evolution' thing came to me. You totally look retarded when you sleep. It's hilarious, really."

perhaps i should backtrack for a moment and tell you how i came to live with adam. That only seems fair.
I met adam in the fourth grade, to little fanfare. We were both weirdos, we liked the same stuff, blah, blah, blah. We grew up in each other's houses, but mostly in his, being as my mother popped pills like they were mentos and she had just gargled hobo diahrea, and my dad skipped before she got really fat. Shitty household, whatever, don't feel bad for me. I might have turned out okay.
Anyway, right about the time we graduated high school, one night adam and i are sitting in his house, and the phone rings. Adam answers it. He says, "uh huh" about thirty times, and casually hangs up.
"who was that?"
adam changed the channel and turned to me.
"oh, some bimbo. She said my dad's dead. You should probably go, i have to go get my mom at work and take her to identify the body down at general hospital."
Adam's father was significantly older than his mother, like, thirty years older, and he had been a travelling toy salesman since sometime when people still sold stuff door to door. Adam's attic and garage were packed to the rafters with overstock, mint condition toys dating from forty years ago to present day. We were never allowed to open anything, it was ultimate torture, but his mom was pretty and always let us do whatever we wanted, you know, accept open up the millions of toys and play with them, so his house became my weirdo home away from home.
Turns out, adam's dad had been having some secret affair with a younger woman for just about the entirety of adam's life. He was out with her, getting liquored up, making a fool of himself singing karaoke in the bar of a rather expensive hotel chain three towns over when the microphone shorted out, gave him a wicked shock, which of course triggered a massive heart attack, and he dropped dead on the spot.
I know this because adam knows this.
And how did adam come about this information?
Well, the sordid details of his father's affair and concurrent electrocution were divulged to him and his mother by his father's mistress over cocoa in the cafeteria of the hospital in which they had just stood and watched as the mortician unzipped the body bag to reveal adam's father, dead as disco.
Between the life insurance payout and the settlement with the hotel, adam became very wealthy, very quickly.
With her cut, his mother fled, didn't leave a forwarding address, simply gave adam the keys to the house and wished him good luck, a whisper in the night.
I promptly moved in and helped adam sell the house, after which he bought an apartment building downtown and i became his first, and only, tenant. I lived rent free, of course. Adam invested his money well, lived off of interest and a healthy income generated from selling all of those mint condition toys on ebay. He also enjoyed selling narcotics. He considered himself an "urban pharmaceuticals sales and distrubution manager," but he was really just a drug dealer. Our building was a high traffic zone for stoners, delivery people, and your random drunken hook up. From my count, he still had three apartments full of sealed toys. We had lived there for eight years to the day, until my boss beat me like his name was ike and mine was tina.
Adam's phone vibrated.
He snatched it up, said "uh huh' a couple times, and handed it back to me over his shoulder.
"for you. It's ben."
Ben was a good friend of mine from high school. Ben was ronnie, my violent boss' nephew, and he had gotten me the job because he was assistant to the president of the produce company, which was ronnie. You gotta know people to know pwople. Ben and adam did not like each other.
"ben, what the fuck, man? I mean, what the fuck?"
"chuck, are you home?"
He sounded scared. Which made me horrified.
"yeah, but listen, i think i may need to file some charges or at least collect unemployment here, i mean, ronnie smacked me around something good."
ben shushed me.
"listen, chuck, i shouldn't be telling you any of this, but there is a tape. Ronnie won't show it to me, but evidently you are in it. It doesn't sound good, chuck, leroy is in the tape too."
i turned to walk into the hallway, saying as i walked, my legs like jelly, "leroy, you mean ronnie's retarded brother leroy?"
adam swung around in his chair, yelling after me, "holy shit, i totally forgot about leroy. Chuck, chuck ask ben what kind of retarded leroy is. If he does have down syndrome, ask him if i could borrow him for an afternoon. Peco just opened a bitching new monkey house at the philly zoo. I'll spring for everything, i'd just need leroy to sign some consent forms. I'd need to borrow him for eight, ten hours tops."
i closed the door behind me as i walked into the hallway.
"ben, what the fuck are you talking about? What kind of video? Don't you think i would remember if i had made a sex video with ronnie's retarded kid brother? I mean, c'mon, what's really going on?"
I laughed.
Ben was silent.
" it's not a sex video. listen, chuck, ronnie's not going to the cops, he says he wants to handle this himself. If i were you, i wouldn't leave the house. I'll call back later when i know more."
dialtone.
I swallow, hard, and the vomit stampedes out of me.
I slip in throw up as i go back to my room to lay down.
Again, darkness.